Do you wonder how to help a friend who is going through a
trial? I still do, but I thought I would share what helped me the most during
my biggest trial (A year and a half ago our baby was born with heart problems
and Down Syndrome. She spent a good six months of her first year in hospital.)
I know everyone is different and different things help different people. But I
hope these are helpful.
1)Encourage them
I always felt encouraged when someone told me I was doing
well. Because I often felt like I wasn’t! I found it difficult, I cried
sometimes, I questioned God sometimes and often just wanted out. So being told
I was doing well helped me to keep my chin up and keep going.
2)Sympathy is often enough
Be careful not to be too preachy! There were times that a
verse/quote/poem etc. someone shared with me was helpful. But most of the time,
sympathy helped the most. To be able to share how you are really doing without
feeling judged. Words can sound empty if you are not also going through/have
been through a similar thing. It’s easy to think “You try it then!” It is nice
to hear, “I would find that difficult too.”
3)Don’t judge
I know there have been times when I have judged someone who
was going through a tough time. But I had no clue what it was like. You don’t
know what you would do or how you would react until you are faced with it
yourself.
4)Let them know you’re thinking of them.
Unless you let them know, they don’t know you are thinking
of them! They may be on your mind a lot but unless you make some kind of
contact with them, they don’t know.
And it means a lot to know someone is thinking of you!
5)Don’t get offended.
Before our baby was born, I didn’t send many texts. So, when
I started texting people after she was born, I quickly ran out of texts. I had
to get a different deal on my phone so I could send more texts without it
costing too much. But until I got it sorted, I just couldn’t answer some
people. Also, there were times when I would receive five texts all at once, or
sometimes I was feeling too upset at the time to answer. There were times that
I had a lot of internet, and other times when I had hardly any. There were days
I was super busy when our children were visiting. (But in general, I loved
keeping in contact with people that way!) So, don’t get offended if that person
doesn’t answer or even if they don’t want a visit.
6)Spoil them
When you are going through a tough time, all you want is for
it to be over. But getting spoiled helps make it all more bearable and
pleasant. We got spoiled majorly! One week we were taken out for dinner three
times! I spent my birthday in hospital and I have never gotten so many cards
and presents! Being spoiled truly helps.
7)Pray for them
You may feel helpless, but if you are praying you are doing
something. I really wonder what it all would have been like for us if no one
had been praying for us. It sometimes seemed like I could feel the prayers.
But don’t just pray for the trial to be over, pray for them
to learn and grow through it all. Because that is what’s most important.
8)Don’t only focus on their problems
It was so nice the way people cared about what we were going
through. It’s nice to be asked how it’s going. But sometimes I needed to focus
on something other than our problems. I remember having a difficult week in
hospital when some friends came to visit. Afterwards I felt so much better,
because most of the time they had talked about general things and it had taken
my mind off the trials of that week.
We knew before our baby was born that she had heart
problems. Every Sunday people would ask how it was going with our baby. While I
appreciated people’s concern and care, I started to dread going to church.
Because I would usually have to explain over and over what was going on and it
would get me focused on it all again. So be concerned, but talk about general
happy things aswell!
9)Answer Their Questions
There were times people would contact me asking how it was
going. (I am thinking now of the 3 months when we were in Starship hospital, a
long way from home, and too far away for most people to visit). I would share
what was happening, then I would ask how they were doing. Sometimes I would get
no answer. While I understand completely, I sometimes felt very disconnected
from people. I asked because I wanted to know! I felt like everyone knew how I
was doing, but I didn’t know how anybody else was!
So if you’re asked how you’re doing, answer even though you
feel it can’t be important to them!
10) Don't forget about them afterwards
When things settled down at home after hospital stays, life
was still hard! We were home and all together as a family again (and very
thankful for that!), but some days were just as difficult as when we were in
hospital. When life got back to 'normal' I had to come to term with Down
syndrome again. I had to face the fact that life wasn't 'normal' anymore.Lydia
was tube fed for her first year and it was a difficult, frustrating and time
consuming challenge to get her off that. Even tube feeding was scary. There
were all the medicines to keep up with. I so missed a life without all the
hospital appointments, complications and just the fear of Lydia going back to
hospital. I came very close to being depressed. Thankfully Lydia has steadily
improved and it has gotten better and easier with a long stretch of good
health.
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