This week has been a tough one. At 11 weeks pregnant I started to have some warning signs of miscarriage. It started on Saturday night, but it wasn't till Monday afternoon at the ultrasound that we found out for sure that our baby had passed away. Up until the scan I really didn't know if it was miscarriage or not. Even my midwife thoughts the signs weren't convincing enough to definitely be miscarriage. The morning of the scan I tried to decide whether I should tell my mum about it. It was possible everything was fine and nothing to worry about it. I really didn't know. One minute I was worried, the next minute I wasn't. But I texted her anyway and told her the concerns and asked her to pray for us. She told me that if it was needed she was free to come and stay to help with the children this week. That afternoon we found out our baby had passed away 21/2 weeks ago already. I thought about mum's offer but didn't know what to say. I would love to have her, but I didn't know if I felt up to visitors staying in my house. So I didn't say anything. That night my Dad rang and said that Mum was coming down the next day and was going to stay at a little holiday place in our town. Wow! I could have both! My mum and my own space!
While my mum was on her way down the next day, the pain started. Up until then, I had no pain. (Also, my last miscarriage had been pain free.) The pain wasn't bad at first, just uncomfortable. The next morning I was feeling pretty good and I enjoyed some time with my mum and little sister. Mum planned to look after the children all afternoon at the holiday house so I could have a sleep and a quiet afternoon. But a sleep was not possible! After lunch the intense pains started. For about 3 hours I had the worst pain I've ever experienced. Since I've had c-sections I had no clue what labour pains are like and thought I never would. Never say never!! That afternoon I had a good taste. I'm sure real labor must be much worse, but on the other hand it felt so unbearable I don't know how it could be worse!! I was so glad everyone was out of the house. And I was especially glad my mum was there to look after the children. I could barely manage myself, how in the world would I have looked after children? I thought the worst must be over, but the next morning I woke up at 3 to the intense pains again.
I had no clue that it would be like this. Also, my Mum had no idea that miscarriage could be like this. It really amazes me how it all worked out for her to come down, when neither of us knew how much I needed her!
Thismorning I woke up early to light pain which prevented me sleeping. So I got up and had some quiet time. I was reading a poem in a devotion book and the last part really hit me.
And One said mildly: "Why, indeed,
Take over-anxious thought for that
The morrow bringeth! See you not
The Father knoweth what you need?"
I love the verse in Matthew 6:32"...for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things." It has helped me before. But this week has been another reminder of how true it is.
God doesn't promise that we will have no needs. But He promises that He knows our needs. Even when we don't know them ourselves. And He promises that if we put Him first, He will take care of our needs.
It's also a reminder of how much wisdom we lack. We often don't know the best thing to do or what we will need. That's why we need to pray often for wisdom for God truly does know what we need. We can't afford to make decisions without His wisdom.
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